Press Play…

Press Pause.  Let us relish in the moment before titles and expectations.  The time when we were engaging yet not engaged. Marriage was merely a daydream divorced through momentary goodbyes. No responsibilities to one another yet we choose to be responsible. If there is a chance that we could mess up this opportunity, we rather not chance it. We are beginning to realize that others were more of a distraction. Parallel to Adam finding his Eve it is now time for us to get rid of those Eden weeds.  So we dig. Dig within ourselves to muster up the courage to let go.  In doing so, we have unearthed much more.  Beneath past broken promises, anger and humiliation…forgiveness, loyalty and hope lay still. Quivering fearfully in the corner is trust. I remember….You remember. Together we run separately. Turning around only to notice that there is no one behind chasing you.  I won’t allow myself to be hurt by anyone again. But to avoid what could have been is a greater hurt self inflicted.

Remain paused. Look carefully at our faces when we began to believe again. We managed to dig deeper and find faith. Remembering that faith isn’t reaching the mountaintop, faith is in the planting of each step to get you there.  This road wasn’t the one less traveled and the fork ahead looked very familiar. We decided to move right only because we felt right. Together moving cautiously, because if we tripped there was a chance we may fall in love. So we took delight in today…Every day. Living in moments when kisses were still fresh and patiently waiting to be delivered. Conversations gave our hearts a rhythm to beat to. We were beginning to trust. We were beginning to care. We were beginning to love.

Press Rewind. Think back to before we met.  Headache lingering from being thrust into shallow dating pool comprised of shallow people. Singles masked by their representatives with intentions of coaxing you to buy. You have difficulty distinguishing the real from the fake since so many are able to fake real well.  How can you differentiate reality from fantasy when the reality is that everyone here is living in a fantasy world. You ask yourself  “how did you get here?”

Rewind further. To the time when goodbye was always a choice but never the final answer.  Riding an emotional rollercoaster with highs to brief too enjoy and lows to extended to provide thrills.  Backs serve as faces; exits might as well remain cracked for re-entry.  Second chances were given too many chances ago. You fantasize about doing better, yet continue living this nightmare. Staying only because you feel stuck. Immobilized by glimmers of hope which fade quickly. No flower should ever let a tree shade them from glowing under the sunshine. You have become a slave to your surroundings from being deeply rooted for too long. Enslaved, you are held by invisible shackles chained to a person you have no ability to master.  You beg for freedom, but wouldn’t have a clue where to start if given the option. At this instance you accept that love no longer exists. To love isn’t hard, its the people who make love difficult.

Press Fast forward. There I am nervous.  The pages are turning and a new chapter has begun. We are creating its introduction. Slowly you start to cry as I anxiously take a knee.  It will begin with what I am about to say, what I’m about to ask, what we are about to do.

“I love you! For you are the comforting hug after awakening from a frightening nightmare. To describe you would leave me speechless, those words have not been created yet. Your outer beauty is equally matched with your inner. You model confidence daily and it fits you like a glove. Let this ring validate my devotion to you. Allow it to prove that my want for you is great yet my need for you is greater. I may want to see you everyday but I need to see you Every Day. You light up my world and everything in me suffers if I go too long without the feel of my sun.

*Pauses*  Let’s not ruin it.

Now Press Play.

We are still here. Let us learn from yesterday but not study it. Let us live for the future but not dwell in it.  Let our present tides wash away the footsteps left in yesterday’s sand so when tomorrow comes we are motivated to start anew. Sometimes in order to move forward we simply have to pause on pressing rewind. Life isn’t only about re-living and living for.  It is about living now. Destiny is a destination with a path already created. So grab my hand.  Let’s walk there even though our hearts tell us to run. Often taking our time to bask in the sun. Find music through laughter while we dance in the rain.  We will live in these moments with each passing day. It is time for us to be on our way. Let us begin our journey. Please Press Play.

-Bless-

Dream On…

Another sigh is released. The clock reads 11:38. I am completely confused as the late evening resembles that of an early morning.  I want…better yet need to sleep.  Staying awake dreaming about you is a torture my mind isn’t strong enough to endure.  So I close my eyes and lay.  Triggering me to remember what I need to forget. It’s going to be a long night. *Dozes off*

My body staggers while attempting to return to its corner. Wounds inflicted during the last round leave me weak and in dire need of assistance.  No one runs to my aid, I am alone. Within this ring, there are no referees no audience to cheer us on. I wipe my eyes in disbelief as my blurred vision begins to clear. My opponent is you. What are we fighting for? I’m fighting to hold us up but the look in your eyes show you are not done beaitng me down.  I begin to remove my gloves with hopes of you following suit. Someone has to be the water amid the fire. It is not working. The bell rings and you approach. Delivered jabs of why you no longer want to be here takes its toll, leaving lasting effects.  Verbally I’m silent…your body remaining unmarked. Each passing round you taunt and dance around me. Every low blow leaves me gasping for air.  Stunned by you feeling that “my everything never meant anything” and “goodbye” knocks me down for the count. If God loves me, he will give me the strength to continue and if you loved me, you would help give God a hand.

My eyes once again open. The room so filled with darkness there are little changes between blinks. Looking left, all that can be seen is the flashing of 1:43 a.m. Confirmation from my phone proves this to be true. It must be broken, because you haven’t called nor texted. Feeling foolish for calling it just to make sure it works.  My attention is diverted to the hunger pains from a stomach filled by emptiness.  My body is craving an appetite of you.  I close my eyes hoping I can forget what I need to remember to move on. *Dozes off*

Yes, I promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  Seated jurors were uniform in both clothing and facial expression. Through the corner of my eye you can be seen attentive and deviously smirking as if the verdict was rendered before I even got here. When asked “do you know the plaintiff” I responded. “Not anymore.” He then proceeded to badger me with question after question.

Before it was over and my fate was sealed, I was granted permission to address the court.  So I took a deep breath, exhaled and then spoke. “Allow my mouth to be my hearts microphone because it has not the ability to think before it speaks. Find me guilty for thinking too far ahead. When saying hi, I wanted to kiss her. When first saying I love you, I envisioned her saying I do. For deeming her an angel while still alive. Find me guilty, for drowning her in too much love and killing her with kindness. Abusing her with compliments, burglarizing her soul and stealing her heart in the process. So if you are going to convict me… convict me of that. If that is the case then I choose never to be innocent. She has taken all that was innocent in me.  Everyone pauses as the jurors leave to deliberate.  At a moments glance they return. The foreperson rises and my head lowers. We the jury find the defendant…..

It’s apparent that there will be no sleep tonight as 3:10 discourages me. Feel as if it’s where I belong, the room remains dark. You are my universe. I should be gazing at the twinkles in your eyes as the moonlike glow of your face is temporarily eclipsed by the passage of hair. You should be here…whimpers while whispering…why aren’t you here.  A civilized question too remote to be answered by civilization. Why don’t you care? *Doses off*

With the finish line in sight I’m exhausted and panting heavily. This race is more than timing and achieving personal bests. I need to place first.  I can see the backs of Rude, insensitive and abusive Unfaithful is a few steps ahead of the rest and it is evident that you are cheering for him the most.   To them you are just a shiny trophy, good enough to own and show on occasion as bragging rights to friends. A race to be ran just because,  or a pawn used to run other future races.  My competition should be chivalrous, honesty, genuine, caring and God-fearing.  Each one determined to cross the tape with your heart embedded across first. Competing just to save you from a lifetime of marathons. Save you from a myriad of atheletes who lose interest and go on to retire early. My intention are different. I’m willing to save the victory champagne for candlelit dinners for two. I’d rather save it for toasting to New Year beginnings and resolutions. Their lead extends and they are slowly pulling away. I continue to lag behind. No matter how hard I try, the nice guy is about to finish last.  

*Wakes up* Light from the clock shows it’s 3:43. It is going to be a long night. *Dozes off*

-Bless-

Presently Absent…

If he who is free of sin shall cast the first stone, my pockets would be bare…my hands forever empty.  When my judgment day comes you will find me in a corner praying. Praying he will be merciful and focus only on what I have done on my good days. Today, I look back on my many yesterdays.  My body shutters as it thinks of the many futures I have darkened. Some say promises are meant to be broken. There is no forgiveness when breaking the heart of the one who saw so much promise in you. Now as an adult I know the difference between right and wrong. I prayed one day I would get the opportunity to hopefully right my wrongs. In order to accomplish this, I’m sure I will have to write my wrongs. Which will compel me to reminisce on those experiences that drew me right to wrong. Love isn’t always about Prince Charming reuniting Cinderella with her glass slipper. No one ever talks about the women Prince Charming kissed before Cinderella? No one is perfect…but I have a chance to do right as I write. The moment has come for me to Write my wrongs.

I could understand you though speech but conferences between lips were foreign.  While yours communicated I love you, I failed to translate. As I held your hand I was distant in mind, mastering the ability to hear without listening.  I made your cries for help seem as if they were the faint remains of an ending echo. How could your words be heartfelt…IF…my heart felt nothing. Continues to feel nothing.  What I did was leave you alone on an island.  You were stuck, surrounding water were tears and sweat built by you. Enough tears to build the same horizon you watched me sail away on our relationship on.  Holding onto me was about as easy as grabbing the sand beneath your feet.  No matter how tight you held it, it would always return back to its beach.  Cowardly, I would always retreat. Yet you still had hope.  Your distress call had dwindled down to a flickering flame in hopes that I would respond to your S.O.S. Thus, you remained alone still wanted to save our souls.  Your hope would be placed in a spark with aspirations it would become a flame releasing a signal that would capture my attention and make me return home. But I journeyed on.

You would ask if I remembered the times when we shared gentle rubs while our eyes were up.  Admiring cloud nine as it slowly formed a perfect picture of us. Responses were monotone and few.  And presently it’s because of me why your mind is clouded. Daily those eyes release a heavy downpour of tears flooding areas where dimples and smiles once lived.  Your lip levies have broken, as the flood rushes downward towards your chin it causing your head to tilt. It’s not easy to see you drowning in your own emotions. It’s as if they became tangible.  I can see you tasting your pain, your anger, your hurt and sadly your want for me. You desire to no longer feel undesired. You stare at me. One eyes says you want to be needed simultaneously the other lets me know that you need to wanted.

Now you are helpless. Helpless is the feeling left when accepting that you just can’t do anything right. Helpless begins to mean help less. The more you try it’s just making it worse. The more you reach, is the more you push me away.  You have to be careful in caring because when careless you will have to care more.  You have to ask yourself “How can my man treat me like this?” I’ll answer that question for you. I’m not a man, I’m just a boy.

A boy is the reason why women build walls. A man find ways to omit them. Boys leave women with baggage. A man walks slowly with her until she is strong enough to let them go. A boy will only have sex with you. A man knows what it is to be intimate.  Sex is something that strangers can pay for making it incomparable, because it’s nothing close to what we do. Boys are usually the reason why women are scarred. A man acknowledges them and reassures that she’s beautiful and those scars just play a part. A boy loves her because she’s beautiful. A  man finds her beautiful because he loves her. If you ever find me cheating on your beauty it’s with your soul and you better believe I’ll be working diligently to please them both.

Allow my actions to prove that I am everything a man is.  Watch as I have an honest conversation with the child in me explaining why it’s important that I put away childish things. At times, I will be a kid at heart, but rest is assured in the boy, who used to control my heart. Never for a moment think that a man can never change. You can’t physically make me faithful yet you are the reason I will be. I’m growing to like you as a best friend and rely on you as a partner. That may be unclear.  I’m trying to express that I trust you and simply stated—No one hurts their best friend.

Now come here and let me whisper “We will be ok” in your ear. Let it serve as a breath of life and resurrect your fallen spirit. May our French kisses convey back and forth messages of I love you in English. Never again will the levies the lips never have to keep away your tears. Relish in the moments your dimples rejoice because those cheeks have not seen rain in years. I am right by you experiencing gentle rubs as I write by you. Yes, I do know this posting was a bit too long.  Please understand It took a lot for me to muster up the courage and Write my wrongs.

Confessions From Your King

This may be my castle but these walls are held and maintained by you. I have come to recognize…better yet realize that though physically stronger than you that I am weaker than you. My Queen, you exhibit strength by lifting me through words and with your ability to move me without touch. In my darkest hour you enlighten every second. While larger in stature I feel smaller in your arms. Power isn’t a reflection of the tone of my voice when I yell but in the softness in yours when I’m angry. When blinded by rage you grab my hand. Leading us, as we embark on a journey towards serenity. I’ve come to appreciate what you do, by understanding who you are. Now it’s my turn…allow me to be vulnerable, allow me to express how I feel. Grant these Confessions from your King.

As we love together our Souls merge together. Understand that when you’re cut, I’m torn. When you are broken I feel shattered. As you cry if you look hard enough there is a part of me bleeding. Understand that when you’re gone. I’m lost. You were taking from the rib and have become my backbone. Want was years ago, today I need you. So deeply immersed in your love I gasp for opportunities to utter I love you. Once, I was afraid to say hi to you because possibly there would be a chance where I would have to say goodbye to you. Never a moment was I afraid of committing to you, understand that I’m deathly afraid of possibly losing what I’m committed to.

Maintain a love for me consistent as tone of your skin. Together let’s plant the seeds today, ensuring that our tomorrow’s will keep us deeply rooted in each other. In my life, I have seen too many delicate fruits grow stale and expire. Too often have I’ve had to fall back just to see who will fall off. In turn, as time pushed forward my heart moved backwards. Whoever felt there’s nothing worse than a woman scorned has yet to meet the man scorned by that same woman. We don’t believe in fairy tales yet dreams are real. You being everything I dream of leaves me pleasantly flustered in never knowing whether I’m asleep or awake. I fear a day where my only option in seeing you is dreaming. If limited only a couple of hours a day, I would rather stay awake.

Understand that my actions may have to be speak louder than words. My love is often communicated through extended stares and through the touching of foreheads. Unexpected nudges are my defense for you lovingly making me feel like a pushover. Simple winks prove that one eye is briefly willing to miss you while the other hasn’t enough will to let  you go. Even my lips will grace to the crown of your head just to let her know that he was thinking of her. And when we kiss my eyes stay open just because during that moment of passion you make them wish that they could feel.

Thank you for not breaking the wall around my heart by giving me reason to remove a brick a day and keeping it unharmed. Thank you for complimenting me. Not through speech but through pairing. This confession won’t have you deliver me from sin but would it be a sin if these words remained undelivered. Two things in this world you can never get back are time and the spoken word. With you have yet to waste either. Wipe your tears Queen, you are in me as I am in you. You knew this before I even said it. I just wanted to take the time out and confess it.

 -Bless-

I wanted you like my next breath.. (Guest Post)

You ask why I never write about you. My words are too weak to convey what my brain can not comprehend. It’s as though I was born the day I met you, nothing before then held any consequence. I shut my eyes as often as possible and see you each time I blink. You’re bathed in soft light, like a tender scene in a movie, goodness bears your name.

In the curve of your shoulders are my kisses, or at least they should be there. I watch your delicate neck as you speak, your words are muted as I track the beat of your heart, the pulse of your vein. I lay next to you, cradling heaven itself in my arms. In the middle of the night I wake to check your breathing, just to make sure I have a reason to wake up at all. I want to make you a simple, fallible thing– but angels even on earth are still angels.

I want to be perfect, but reflected in your eyes I see my flaws. I resent you for that, because you make me feel small, powerless…

It’s your name that bounces in hearts of old married people. It is your name that warriors shout to protect their home, the people they love. Your name brought fire to this planet, made Pharoahs bow and Warlords beg.

You come home, take off your shoes and go about your night. Your are my re-occurring miracle, proof that love created this world. Only this power- boundless and wild- could build all of this beauty I see.

There are times I cannot understand you. Your words have a hundred meanings, because each one means so much to me. If I were honest with myself and with you- every sentence I speak would start with “I” and end with “love you.” Maybe then you’d understand the madness you cause in me.

It’s your kindness that disarms me. Your heart is so large it beats out of your chest. I’m reduced to a barbarian looking for a branch to ward evil away. In another time, I’d pick up a sword and shield to protect that. This world is too cruel, something so beautiful should never feel pain. I’d offer my very being up to keep you from hurting.

Our fights are about nothing, mostly because I think about losing you. I lived my life thinking my love was a vestigial organ. Useless, it should have fallen off an eternity ago. With a single look, you brought it back to life. You smiled, shyly and just that easily, captured half of my heart, locked it into yours and I’ve been trying to get it back ever since. Maybe that’s why I am so incensed by you. There is a gaping hole in my chest- I have to draw you close to fill it. That’s where we connect. If we were drowning, I’d empty my lungs into yours. If all that was left of me was that single breath, my entire life would have been a full one….

So forgive me when I aggravate you. Please know that on your worst day, you’re always the best part of mine. I love the very air you breathe, each tear you shed. You are my miracle. Please know, every second since the day we met… know that it is your name that fires in each chamber of my heart.

L. Jean

Before I say Goodbye…

A wise person once told me, there are only two outcomes when entering a relationship. Either you (1) Break up or (2) Get Married. What happens if Before I say I do…I have to say Goodbye. When the same person that made you laugh now makes you cry. What do you do when in order for you to cross the finish line you have to leave your teammate behind?

Remember when we first met?  The very sight of you was rudely interrupted by uncontrollable blinks. To hear the melodic sounds when your heart beats at night served as my bedtime lullaby. Instantly when our lips touched my body would never cease in craving the very taste of you. I took my time hugging you, just because I savored smelling you. Everything a person needs, yet alone I need is embodied by you. I’d given up on falling in love, but it was you who brought me back to my senses.

Instead of moving on I’m holding on to the moments when we were at our best. Constantly finding myself clinging, climbing and reaching to grab that point. The fact is, extending for a moment in time that no longer exists, leaves the possibility that I may fall. You are the staple in my life presently struggling who hold the pages of our fairytale together. We show we care through anger and the interchanging of harsh tones. Making love has been replaced by make up sex. Everything about you seems familiar but we’re now strangers. Where is the lesson going to be learned with us? Is it in the reach? Will my desire to care make you care? Can my love be strong enough to make you love back? Praying that when my tears land on your shoulders, it will permeate your skin, travel through your body until it reaches and softens your heart. Only thing left now to do is brace myself for the fall.

I believe that love is when you’ve found yourself with the person you are no longer afraid to lose yourself with. But you are afraid which leaves me lost. All the good in me loves you so badly. If I was granted one wish it would backfire. Cause If I could be anywhere I wanted, I’d never see your face again because I would forever dwell within the depths of your heart. Wanting us so much, I forgot who I am. Having fallen on my knees countless times I’m left wondering what it was that I once stood for. I wouldn’t even rewind time to start over. My sole purpose would be bring you back to help you remember. Remember the time when actions had verbal meanings. Hands touched meant protect me forever and embraces were expressions of never let goes. Meeting of the minds were confirmed by the caressing of foreheads and a kiss on the cheek just proved that other facial areas need love to.

Now I’m forced to turn my back even though part of me wants you to grab my shoulder and say wait…I can change. It’s too late, because my two cents will never make you a shiny nickel nor govern you to lobby a bill creating a change in us. My journey forward will require me to never look back. We can reenact playful interactions through memories and laugh together through closed eyes and silence. Moving on is mentally a huge leap but physically a baby step away.

Just because I took the initiative doesn’t mean in any way that I’m over this. I’ve seen the distance in your eyes and if they truly are the windows to your soul, I’m saddened every time the lights aren’t lit. Never is the person you break up with the same person you started with.  So before we reach the point where we  make the mistake of saying I do… and don’t. Now is the right time for me to say goodbye.

-Bless-

 

Steps taken…

See, the first step was actually taking that first step. Before I said hello… I knew you. We’d already exchanged conversation and already I was overcome by the nervousness of tomorrow, wondering if it’s too soon to call you. Before we shook hands, I already held you, soon after maturing to embracing you, quickly making me a part of you. Though you did not breathe for me, I already found myself living for you. Before I introduced myself, you knew who I was.  You knew what we were, what we stood for; so what did we do? We fell…fell in love. Before I sat down, I moved in. Illuminating the dark within you, while furnishing that spacious heart which had been through so much…evicted so many.  I’m not here today to rent your body nor lease your mind. Everything about you is telling me to reside.

Just as important as the initial was the second step. While we introduced ourselves, surrounding faces served as the audience as you harmonized your first with my last repeatedly. Little did we know that before I said hello, you sheltered me. Before you, lovingly, I was somewhat nomadically. Often wandering unable to settle express my love for thee. Through our daily entangled cuddling my emotions now have a place to sleep. As we shook hands our hearts danced. It was a tango I believe, and as I took the lead, content is the feeling of  knowing the spotlight was always on she. Presently this conversation is engaged by two familiar strangers. Simultaneously, we’re anticipating that we can be one anothers first last.  Our last first date, will lead to the moment of our last first kiss. One day we can laugh our last first fight. Our happiness, an exhilarating sensation of being the last thing we see when the moon shines coupled with each others first sight during the sunrise.

Let me show you that chivalry isn’t dead, I was just patiently waiting.

The third step is difficult and requires teamwork. As I’m walking you to the door, we’re beginning to love. The recipe is simple, all we have to do is mix one whole of our mental, sweeten it with all of our physical let it simmer and never forget to add the spiritual. These are the ingredients into making love, thereafter creating love.

To be continued

-Bless-